Even if it kills me.

I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight, and I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight. For the first time, in a long time. I can say, that I want to try to get better and overcome each moment. In my own way. I'm really not as stubborn as I seem. I'm trying to find a way from this blowout scene. I don't know any other form of happiness besides being...mean. I knew love once. It's just another puzzle I'm trying to put together. Eventually everything will be okay, but sometimes I feel like I don't even know what okay is anymore. Everything got turned around. I can choose to be happy all I want. That doesn't mean that I am. I've been to weird places in the past few months. I've felt the worst physical pain I've ever felt. I've felt the worst emotional pain I've ever felt. I've hated myself in ways I never thought were possible. My body isn't mine anymore. It's a frustrating thing to grasp, to deal with. I have no control over myself. My legs constantly move. My hands constantly tremor. My leg is in constant pain to the point that I'm used to it. At basic training is where I really started to change I guess though. I discovered true human nature there. None of the people there were these people who were hell bent on going to war. None of them were in any rush to kill people. They were just normal people. But normal people go to extraordinary measures. Whether its for their family, for their country, for their well-being, or for a friend. It's in the hospital that something hit me though. I don't think anybody knows what they're doing. People just do what they think they're supposed to be doing. But hell, I don't know anything anymore. So I might be wrong. :] Hey, there's a turning point right there. I admitted to being wrong. It's just a maybe though. :P